< Q-scan What the HELL Is Happening?<Story> 17 - 46 msgs >

1/46: Let's make this plain and slay those who fail us.
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Sat Aug 29 09:19:16 1992

Wake up to the tv blaring. Picture of a crucifix. Try to find the remote
control, as the suit walks, shouting of his religion.
Headache, pounding in your head, from whatever happened last night. You
can remember. Your head is presseed down next to your keyboard. Empty beer
cans are all around you. "Did I really drink that much".
As you raise your heead, the sun streams right into your eyes. you curse
the sun with a long and vile string of obscenity, that would darken it. But
it doesn't.
Later, hair weet from the shower, and drinking coffee, pure black, you

2/46: That last night, you blew livestock.
Name: Link The Triune #55
Date: Sat Aug 29 10:43:03 1992

It finally hit you. The stench of goat on your clothing. That weird taste in
your mouth. And the contented bleating outside your door. You threw open the
door and saw Rupert the Ram bleating at you with love-sick eyes. It wandered
up to you, nuzzling your hand.
Suddenly, you realize that Wayne had pictures! You had to get them before
they made the college paper and your reputation was ruined! Immediately...

     _ _ _     

3/46: Sick, but its a start.........
Name: Flagg #28
Date: Sat Aug 29 15:32:15 1992

RE: That last night, you blew livestock.
BY: Link The Triune #55

.....you grab the phone and call John "The Godson" Gardachi, son of the famed
mobboss Lucius Gardachi. You've heard that young John has been following in
his father's footsteps, tho you've never really wanted to deal with him
personally. Now, you realize, you have no choice. You must hire John and his
boys to get those pictures back at all cost. Your reputation could be ruined,
after all.....As the young mobster answers the phone with a slurred, "Yeah?"
you realize that this is ridiculous.....just going too far....Without
thinking, you hang up. A second later, the phone rings. You pick it up. You
hear the voice of young John Gardachi, no longer slurred, state calmly,
"Nobody hangs up on John Gardachi." He hangs up on you. Wondering how he
could have know it was you who called him, you run to the window, and look out
to see..........

4/46: see....
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Sun Aug 30 10:34:44 1992

A large yellow bulldozer coming at the glass. The bucket is outstetched,
and speeding towards you, and behind the wheel, aa large Redneck is sitting,
smiling, his confederate flag cap on backwards..
As he notices you watching, he speeds the bulldozer up faster. You are
petrifiedd for a moment but the "bleaats" of the goat recall in your mind
where you are. Not liking the looks of the sawed off shotgun on the gunrack
of the bulldozeer... and wondering where thy had gotten a bulldozeer with a
gunrack, you need for thee rear of your domicle. you throw a can of SPAM
through your window, and crawl out, just as you hear the sounds of crashing
glass, and splintereing wood...
Rupert bleats in panic, not realizing the thee wndow is a way out.

5/46: and so
Name: Pyro #106
Date: Mon Sep 07 18:12:14 1992

AS it turn out the can of SPAM tm. had hit the readnecks gun causing it to go
off in the general vinicity of the bulldoser's gas tank . It whent BANG!!.
then some little kids come over and start roasting marshmellows and the flames
fed by the unburned gasoline. as the fire department come yyou decied to flee
before . . .

6/46: thee goat's corpse is traced back to you
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Tue Sep 08 07:16:51 1992

you run down the hillock, still hearing the last bleatings of Rupert, as the
fire caught up with the once beloved goat. You are laughing so hard, you don'
see the can bear, or the bear standing beehind it. With a large clank, the
metal jaws slam shut, causing harsh pain in your ankle and foot.

The bear roars, mad at you for invading its trap. it swings but you duck just
in time.
in desperation, you reach in your pocket... trying to find something to save

7/46: re story
Name: Pyro #106
Date: Tue Sep 08 22:33:51 1992

you pull out this big ass flame thrower and toast the fucker.
dam it make nice 'flame rosted' bear steakes you find this 6 pack of beer okay
mabee a case and eat.

8/46: party on..
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Wed Sep 09 17:00:29 1992

"whew, that was close" you sigh as you wipe the ashes off your face with a
grimy hand. But, being a real man, you don't think to clean off your hands
before eating.. soon your aree sitting down to your great big meal of bear
steak and beer..

Much later, aftr many more non-exstant cases of beer appear, and you have
drunk it aall, you fall asleep....

and wake up, the next morning, somewheere else.
Gone are the trees of the night before. Gone is everything. You are lying on
a cement slab, stretching out for a few feet on every side. Theree are bars
around you, and a sign, brown on what looks like the door. there also is a
big padlock.

Your pockets are empty, and you can't find anything to get out... so you
settle back to wait.. and see what will happn in this strange new zoo.

9/46: soon..
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Thu Sep 10 17:38:23 1992

you look out and see the people. Little flourescent cartoonish seaa monkies.
you do a double taake, seeing all the sea monkies everywheree, luahging at you
and other animals, most of which are new to you.. But you can't see all of
them.. but just enough to make you scared.

A small wiggly thing is on the floor of your cell, coming towards you..it
keeps going at you faast.. so you go backwoards, and here a booming voice "eat
it, dammit it". You grab it by the tail and, forrcing back your repulsion,
drop it your mouth. you almost vomit as it sltihers down your throat, but you
manage. Soon your stomache feels fuller than ever before.. In fact, it is
bursting at the seems..

10/46: bursting at the seams. . .
Name: Solarman #24
Date: Thu Sep 10 19:54:48 1992

. . .
So your stomach is bursting at the seems, it keeps expanding, and as it
expands, it feels tighter, and tighter, and a little alien pops out of where
your naval belongs. It is just small enough to terrorize the Sea monkeys, and
get out through the bars, but as soon as it leaves the cage, the salt hits it
with the effect equivalent to a slug crawling across salt. . .

11/46: .... and there was a huge explosion. . . .
Name: George Bush #20
Date: Sat Sep 12 19:29:35 1992

...which rocked the entire house. Jane, while grabbing my scotum, yelled in
terror. What was this terrible noise? Was it a low-yield nuclear detonation?
Was it the sound of a back fireing car? Or was it the New Kids On the Block?
As Jane ran to gather her clothes, she slipped on a pile of....

12/46: goat semen
Name: Encino Man #150
Date: Sun Sep 13 00:01:38 1992

goat semen... (which reminded you of how the story started) she pulled your
left testicle clean off ass she fell to the floor. After she recovers from
her fall, she hands youyour testicle back. As you lick it and stick it back
on, she thinks about the goat semen and gives you an accusing look. "You
haven't been blowing goats again have you?" You assure her that you haven't,
she smiles a nasty smile, rips her own head off, revealing her ture identity:
that mobster guy, Gardachi! He has a tommy-gun, and he's going to kill you!

Suddenly a very burnt rednecked bursts into the room, followed by some
children eating marshmellows and mutton. He waves a newspaper, headlined "Man
blows goat; Wayne has proof" your heart sinks in dispair. Wayne himself
enters the room, fuckin Tia Carrerre...

13/46: ...
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Sun Sep 13 19:04:37 1992

This makes your blood start to boil. Tia was your childhood sweeetheart, and
she had pledged, on that dark moonlight night.. long before you had
discoveredd the joy of sheep and goats and other barnyard animals.. how in
mere years.. when she was old nough, and her parents had died, she would
marry you. and livee together in joy and coital bliss.

Every time you had lickeed the last of the goat's semen, you had thought of
that promise.. and now, she was no longer yours..

"i'm sorry".. she said to you.."but i can not love someone who blows goats...
there is nothing more repulsive than that..".

Her eyes are red, and glowing.. they aren't the same as the soft blue eyes you
once looked into, with the light of love pouring out... these eyes are full of

Wayne held her hands togethr, and says.. "no.. my darling. don't. Let him
live long and suffer. it will be worse..".

He turns, and leaves.. you catch a fleeting glimpsee of Tia's glistening
thighs as he turns.. but then it is gone. The redneck follows, tossing the
newspaper at your feet... the children point at you laughing merrily.. they
throw pieces of half eatten mutton at you, which you reflexively catch.. and
pile in a small mound on the newspaper. Poor rupert..

Last leaves Gardachi. He looks towards you.. and speaks with great
deliberation.. "we are not unkind. But nobody hangs up on me. nobody." he
chuckles a little "but your suffering amuses me greatly. I offer you a choice
now. " He turns and walks aalmost to the door, and says "goodbye.. and choose
well." he reaches into the side of his trenchcoat and toss a revolver to your
feet. He walks out the door and closes it behind him.

Something tells you the revolver has only one shot.. and it is not registered
to deaar old john.

14/46: Your life in shambles, you turn to your navel.
Name: Link The Triune #55
Date: Mon Sep 14 17:11:23 1992

"Navel, what should I do?" you ask of the one true friend you've ever had.
"Don't ask me, I'm not critical, if you shot me, you wouldn't die, so what the
hell do I care?" answered your navel. "'sides, why should I help you? I have
all this goat hair stuck in me, and never once have you even thought of
cleaning me out, you empty headed animal food trough waterer!"
You hastily make amends and pick all the lint and goat semen out of your
"Ah, that's better. Now, you have a gun, right?"
"Well, what's the problem?"
"Who do I shoot?"
"Easy! Shoot the lights! When they come in to check on you, assuming you
turned the lights off to ease your passing, you rush 'em and head out the
"Ahh. Wily."

C  |  |  C

15/46: where do we go now.. where do we go..
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Mon Sep 14 18:40:31 1992

Pointing the revolver high, you blow out the singlee light bulb. Your hands

BOOM! The shoot echoes in the confines of the room. The light bulb
shatters.. amazingly.

you sit in the dark,contemplating the abscene of light.. and you wait,.. and
you wait..

if is a while, aand you are almost drifting off when you start hearing
litt¥*le noises.. Small animals, coming closer. Looking for something to
gnaw. You can t ake it no longer. you run out the door, and look around, but
see no one.

Eery music plays in your head. You are scared.

And so.. you run.. Through the streeeetlights accusing glow. You left
Rupert's remains behind, but theere is no time now. A man in a trenchcoat is
walking past.. he calls out "You're the one who fellates farmyard animals?
Get out.. your kind isn't welcome here".

He quickly closees his coat, and holds the folds tighter.. and rushes along.

It starts to rain as you walk onwards.. the water sweeps down your face,
mingled with the tears. You now realize that the choice was not as simple
as you though.

16/46: OOOOookkkkkk.....weird story, guys......
Name: Flagg #28
Date: Wed Sep 16 13:35:03 1992

RE: where do we go now.. where do we go..
BY: Fenris Wolf #10

AFter sitting in the middle of the street for a while, you decide that there
is, in the end, only one solution. It answers all the problems you are now
faced with. It is simple, really...just a matter of going back home, getting
Rupert's mutton chop remains, and flying down to the land of his birth in
central America. There you can #1--hide from the likes of Gardachi who may
want you dead still for hanging up on him, #2--bury Rupert and ease your
troubled conscience, and...#3...most importantly....blow goats to your hearts
content. Soooo.....your degree will have to wait for a while...but hey--You
knew you weren't gonna get it right away anyway.....You run back home, get
Rupert (ex-Rupert) and go to the airport, hoping to sneak aboard a plain as
soon as possible. In your haste, however, you do not notice the figure that
has been following you in the shadows all the way......

17/46: tell me about it... tell me aabout it.
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Wed Sep 16 18:31:35 1992

it is in mid-air. You are looking up the stewardess's dresses at very
occasion.. easy because you are lying on the floor. You had no money, so
tickets were out of reach..

you get several interesting views, which mak you desire goats.. badly.
but goats are far.. cept for the rotting mutton in your pocket.

howeveer, your happy flight ends, when you hear..over the PA system "This is
your pilot squeaking. We are taking a small side trip to columbia to drop off
a few hijackers.".

18/46: wow
Name: John The Fisherman #11
Date: Sun Sep 20 22:06:54 1992

you see in front of you three men dressed in american three piece suits with
middle-eastern turban on their heads. you're thinking to yourself, these
must be those terrorists who want to go to columbia. you slowly walk back to
the bathroom where a young woman is sitting on the toilet. you shut the door
while the woman licks her lips while looking at your pants. she gets up from
the toilet, without flushing, and zips up her pants. she gets close to you
and reaches out for your crotch. you wonder what the hell is going to happen
when all of a sudden she screams "oh my god, there's goat semen on your face!"
she wildly attacks you, ripping off your pants screaming " i love men who blow
goats!!!" you start to sweat when she pulls a gun out of her bra. she tells
you that she's with the FBI and hands you a gun from the other side of her
bra. she says we'll stop these hijakers, and she needs you to cover her.
she kicks open the door.............

19/46: ahh shit....
Name: Magick #189
Date: Mon Sep 21 01:57:00 1992

and you bust her over the head without even alerting the turbanned men. She
crumples to the floor, showing a slightly wet but nicely formed leg. You drag
her into the bathroom and shut the door behind you as you leave.
After returning to your seat, you lean forward and whisper to the men
ahead of you:
"So, can you find me some good Columbian....?"
One of the men turns and...

20/46: next
Name: John The Fisherman #11
Date: Mon Sep 21 22:18:44 1992

"you wouldn't know good columbian if you saw it. but we could get you
plenty of coffee."
you think, what the hell do i want with juan valdez shit.
you reply, "hey, if i want columbian i'll get it," as you pull out fifty
grand out of your wallet. the turbaned men, looking impressed decide that
they can work things out.
the pilot yells out "holy shit, two fucking swedish fighters are firing
heat seeking missles at the damn plane."
you think what the hell, the swedish airforce is about to ruin a good deal
for you and the arabs.
you run into the cockpit and grab the controls from the pilot.
you flick the switches for the plane's weapon systems, put on your
fighting goggles and...........

21/46: Hmmm..
Name: Genocide #37
Date: Tue Sep 22 22:45:19 1992

....Snakes don't have arms that's why they don't wear vests...

22/46: Where did those snakes come in?
Name: Okonkwo #208
Date: Fri Sep 25 12:31:10 1992

...blow the hell out of the Swedish planes. Two extremely beautiful buxom
blondes (say that ten times fast!) land on the left wing of the plane. Our
hero (who I will now name Howard to save time) runs to the door, and lets the
Swedish babes in.

"Vat a strong, handsome man," one of the large-breasted pilots says as she
walks by.
"Best american man I see in long time," says the other one.

The Swedes explain to Howard that they were not flying the planes at all. They
were actually being piloted by computers being run on a friggin' BBS in
Pritchard Hall. (Not this BBS, of course. This BBS rules all!) They are a
cover-up by Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstien, a Swedish evil mad
scientist who wishes to take over the world.

"Ve vill do ANYTING for you to help us overthrow
Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstien!" say the Swedish Airborne Sluts.
"Anything?" says Howard?
"Yes, anything," they reply in stereo.

Howard unzips his fly and whips out his Johnson. (Get it? Howard's Johnson?)
One of the Swedes begins to fellate him as the other massages his testicles.
The one fellating him suddenly says, "Hey? Your penis tastes like goat semen!
This is wonderful!!" She then sucks even harder.

Howard forgot how wonderful an actual human was. He had fucked and sucked
goats for so long. Howard was enjoying this sheer extacy so much that he
didn't even notice the FBI agent put a gun to his head.

"How can you let these two slut suck you cock?" the FBI agent says.
"They said they would do anything for me if I helped them destroy Oslo
"Did you say Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein?"
"Yep." A
"I've been on his trail for the past 15 years!"
"Well, these girls know where he is!"
"That's wonderful!" The FBI agent is so happy that she french kisses Howard,
rips off all of her clothing, and begins to masturbate.

Meanwhile, the Colombians in turbans (which makes absolutely no sense), just
watch Howard get the blow of his life and the FBI agent manipulate her
clitoris. They begin to snort coffee.

Three hours later, after the Swedes, Howard, and the FBI agent have had a
wonderful orgy, the plane lands in Columbia....

the GOD of yams

23/46: This has got to end
Name: Mariner #203
Date: Fri Sep 25 23:27:39 1992

Now the happy traveling orgy, lead by Howard's Jonhson and followed by the
men with the turbuns, leave the plane in search of the evil scientist (didn't
have enough paper to write his name.) They travel into the deep recesses of
the Columbian Jungle, stoping every so many hours to relive that fucking
fantasy. Deeper and deeper into the jungle they go, into where light cannot
reach the floor. Suddenly a wire is tripped by one of the following turbuns
and a rain of cobras fall, killing the Colubians. Then a sorte of Migs rip the
jungle with their cluster bombs and scorch the earth. The traveling orgy
cowers in a pit, which is rapidly filling with goat semen.......

24/46: you like it.. (whaat happened to 2nd person)
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Sat Sep 26 11:23:20 1992

you like the turn of events. Slurping greedily, you ingest large amounts of
goat semen, as one of thee Swedish sluts kneels down and takes your organ into
her warm mouth and rubs her tongue against the ridge at the bottom...

the other two females, without the turbaned columbias, pick up a cobra corpse,
and use them as dildo substitutes on each other. They obviously are enjoying
themselves, almost as much as you are.

After the MIGs fly of, to conserve jet fuel, and you are limp from multiple
spurts down her throat, you aall climb out and resume your trek.

Then, raising up from the ground in front of you, a huge mouth.. you all slide
down a long, slipper throat, into a red walled enclosure.

Theere other people are sitting, in various statese of dying. Some tissues
are removed.. and theey all look red. They all collectively welcome you,
and say.. join us in dying.. it is fun here... as the red liquid disolves
part of your skin, and you feeel more pleauree than you ever felt blowing
goats, or even when you met the apple of your dreaams.

25/46: Out of the animal!
Name: Okonkwo #208
Date: Sat Sep 26 17:18:33 1992

ONe of the Swedish airline pilots says, with tears in her eyes, "Ve are being
digested. Now we will never be able to capture the evil Oslo
Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein. The world is doomed."

The FBI agent says, "Fuck. You're right. THe whole world's gonna die."

The other Swedish pilot says, "Vell, let's make the best of it!" She begins to
lick Howard's left ear. Unbeknownst to Olga (The other Swedish chic is named
Helga.), Howard's left ear is his most intense erogeneous. Howard's johnson
became so large and so erect that it poked a hole in the side of the giant
animal they were in and all of the people escaped.

Olga's comment: "I'll have to remember that spot."

Later that night, Howard, at the campfire, wondered, "Just exactly why are we
after Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein?"

The FBI agent, lifting her head from between Helga's legs, licked her lips and
began the story.

"Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein was born in Sweden. His parents voth
died before he was born. He was then raised by two men who were both
homosexuals. Oslo, being a homosexual himself, is an expert in genetic
engineering. He has created a race of men in his bunker that always have erect
penises and can bear children. (Only male, of course.) He wants to destroy
the world and start a master race of homosexual men." She returned to her oral
manipulation of Helga.

Olga, who is sitting next to Howard, says, "But he only shows mercy to
heterosexual men who blow goats."

Howard realized his mission. He would infiltrate the bunker of Oslo
Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstien and stop his evil ways.

Olga: "Howard, what is it?"
Howard: "I'm your man. You need me here in this group."
Olga: "Of course we need you. You are a great fuck."
Howard: "No. It's more than that. I . . . I blow goats."

Olga jumped for joy. Not only did she find a man who could infiltrate the
bunker of Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstien, but she had found a man who
also enjoyed bestiality.

"Howard," she said to him, "I love you."

Howard loved her, too, and he told her. And they made love all through the

Meanwhile, Helga and the FBI agent (who, from here on out, we will call Jody)
began to talk.

Jody: "So, how did you become involved with the case of Oslo
Helga: "Because, . . . he is my brother."
Jody: (Surprised.) "My God."
Helga: "Yes. Our parents both died before we were born. We were separated.
He went to the homosexual parents, while I was raised by a group of Swedish
prostitutes. Olga is my half-sister."
Jody: "My God. If he is your brother, why do you want him dead?"
Helga: "Because he is evil. He is bad. He must die."

Jody realized that she had found a woman just like her. Jody, too, had an evil
brother hidden somewhere. Of course, her brother, Charles Manson, was in a
safe place.

"Helga," Jody said to her, "I love you."

Helga loved her, too, and she told her. And they made love all through the

The next morning, they set out to find the bunker of Oslo. On their path, they
screamed, because, lying in the middle of the road was a large, pulsating,

An erect what?
the GOD of yams

26/46: Erections.. erections.. goliath on the wall.
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Sun Sep 27 11:52:49 1992

..lying in the middle of the road was a large, pulsating, erect...


Were did that come from... asked Howard.. With hiss typical bluntness. Olgaa
and Helga screamed collectively "I'm SOOOO hungry". They all ran towards the
bread, because all that fucking had madee them hungy.. they spreaad the
largee slices well with goat semen, and had a meal.

And so.. it was onward to the headquarters of the great (NOT.. jody inserted..
before her mouth as buried in Helga). But they weere all so busy enjoying
each othere, the goat semen, and the bread, that they didn't se someone
sneaking up behind them.

They all felt grips, as if made of iron, grab their arms.. and large, erect,
penile organs penetrating their asses.....

27/46: Penetration.
Name: Okonkwo #208
Date: Mon Sep 28 23:57:02 1992

The penises plugging their bohunkuses were evil fags genetically made by Oslo
Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein. They carried the band of four on their
erect organs to the headquarters of Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein.

The men dropped the band into a cell in which the walls were all plexiglass.
The ceiling was white with nothing but a large speaker in the center. The four
were so scared that they didn't even feel like fucking.

The speaker started echoing the sounds of Oslo
Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein's voice.

"Okay, s-sweeties-s." (Oslo has a really bad lisp.) "I'm s-so glad you could
all, uh, COME! (Giggle, Giggle.) Now, I want to be entertained. YOU! The
man! WHACK OFF!"

So, Howard began to pull his pud. Olga whispered in his ear. Howard,
following Olga's suggestion, yelled, "You know something, Oslo
Horben-whatever? I would much rather be BLOWING A GOAT!"

Immediately, a trap-door opened beneath Howard, and he plummeted into a dark

The door closed, and Oslo said, "Okay, girls-s, you will be there for eternity,
s-so make the best of it."

The women began to orally manipulate eachother.

Howard groggily opened his eyes. When he was coherent, he realized he was
lying on a giant pile of pillows. A door opened, and out came Oslo
Horbenshenkenibeforlokenstein's naked body. And, at the end of a leash, a
beautiful goat named Bathsheba.

"Hi there, s-sweetie."
"Fuck off, Oslo Horben-whatever. I will quash your evil ways."
"I doubt that, beautiful. Now, I will s-satis-s-fy mys-s-elf, and I hope you
enjoy it, too.

Meanwhile, the women licked their lips (and eachothers) and discussed the
previously transpiring events.

"Oh my God! Oslo's gonna violate are pretty little Howard!"

What will happen to our little Howard?
Will he enjoy what Oslo does to him (whatever it is that happens to him)?
Will Howard blow the goat?
Will the women peform cunilingus on eachother until the day they die?
Wil the world become a large floating sphere inhabited by nothing but male


the GOD of yams
Hey, Marylinn!

28/46: Is it the end?
Name: Amad #206
Date: Tue Sep 29 01:50:33 1992

Suddenly, Olga got an idea!!!
"I ave un idea!" Olga said, finally returning to her Swedish accent that has
been noticably absent for the past few installments.

"Vaht is it?" said helga and Jody (without the accent).

"The trap door never closed! We can go down it too!" Olga remarked, re-losing
the accent that she had just re-gained.


Howard's johnson began to pulse and throb as he began to blow the goat.
Howard's johnson, who wanted a piece of the action, began to grow large and
hard, and soon it had trouble withstanding the frustration.

Suddenly, Olga, Helga and Jody came falling out of the same trap door that had
brought Howard and his johnson to this situation.

"Howard! We have come for you!!!" Olga said.

Howard looked down, saw the wetness, and was pleased.

But then Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstien pulled out a...

29/46: Pulled out a what?
Name: Okonkwo #208
Date: Thu Oct 01 11:53:12 1992

...a vibrator! But this wan't any ordinary vibrator. This was the vibrator
from hell! It was connected to a 12-volt car battery, and it was ready to go!

Howard didn't know what to do. Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein was
about to vibrate his women to death, but he just couldn't pull himself away
from the goat.

That was, until the goat...

the GOD of yams

(Sorry it is such a short entry. I have to go to Psyc class!!)
Hey, Marylinn!

30/46: Mr. Ed incarnate?
Name: Lucian #220
Date: Fri Oct 02 00:07:06 1992

...turned it's head and spoke.

"You know something, Howard? You should go kick that Oslo dude's ass."

Howard thought, so he pulled his mouth away from the goat's cock and ran at

But Oslo saw Howard in the corner of his eye. He turned and took his vibrator


Your turn, Okonkwo

31/46: Jam
Name: Amad #206
Date: Sat Oct 03 13:49:15 1992

...and he jammed it down Howard's throat. As Howard was getting choked (and
slightly aroused) by the vibrator, Jody tackled Oslo, and began to suck...


32/46: ...his...
Name: Okonkwo #208
Date: Thu Oct 08 18:52:30 1992

snot right out of his nose! Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstien thought
it was the stupidest thing ever. So, he started laughing, and he let go of the
vibrator. That gave Howard the chance to...

the GOD of yams
Hey, Marylinn!

33/46: would you mind a yam up your ass...
Name: Fenris Wolf #10
Date: Sat Oct 10 10:49:44 1992

grab the vibrator and jam it up Oslo's ass.. and turn it on FAST.

The pulsating feeling gave Oslo so much pleausre that he squirted and squirted
and squirted.. howard and the others ran, leaving him and the goat to drown in
oslo's black cum.

34/46: Sure! Have you got a yam?
Name: Okonkwo #208
Date: Sat Oct 10 12:23:18 1992

Howard and the others ran. The building was bulging at the seams with black
semen. Suddenly, the building exploded, and the world was saved.

Jody was very impressed with everybody's work, so she made them all FBI

Plus, after the talking goat, Howard decreed to never blow a goat again. What
he liked about goats was the fact that they never talked. Women always wanted
him to talk afterwards. But, Howard didn't mind anymore.

They flew back home on an army helicopter and made it home safely.

They became the Anonymous Super Secret Homo/Heterosexual Overt Liberation
Entourage, or ASSHOLE for short.

And they fucked happily ever after.

Or did they, for there were more missions to come (or CUM, in a manner of


the GOD of yams

On to more adventures of the ASSHOLE team...............
Hey, Marylinn!

35/46: ...
Name: Amad #206
Date: Sun Oct 11 20:54:16 1992

And they fucked happily ever after.....

...Until Oslo's half-sister's twin brother's mother's goatherder showed up at
FBI headquarters with his flock of goats, and some bad news.

"I am Woolpenis, herder of Oslo's half-sister's twin brother's mother's goats.
I have come with some bad news, and some goats."

"What is the problem, and, by the way, did you say ... goats?" Howard asked.

"Yes, goats. I AM the goatherder, you know," Woolpenis replyed.

"Howard, this may be an important assignment. You must be able to keep your
former passions out of this assignment, or you may be adversley affected. Do
you understand?" Jody asked.

"Don't worry, Jody. I buried those improper passions long long ago. I am
ready for action," Howard replied.

The problem is very serious. Oslo's half-sister's twin brother's aunt's
stableboy is about to ruin the entire planet. He is fed up with having to
suck horse cock to keep them clean. He has made it his life mission to suck
the cock of every goat on the face of the earth, and he pledges to save all
the goat semen in a large vat that he will detonate over the earth once it is
full. Do you realize the implications of this? Things will get very sticky
very soon if you do not help," said Woolpenis.

"What do I have to do?" asked Howard.

"You must suck the cock of every goat and SWALLOW the come so that Oslo's
half-sister's twin brother's aunt's stableboy (Horsuck) can't get his hands
(or mouth) on it."

"Howard," Jody butted in, "you know what you must do! You must take back your
promise! The fate of the world is at hand!"

"Please, Howard?" begged Olga. "You must!"

"Woolpenis, I ACCEPT your mission!" Howard decides.

But suddenly, a voice came out of nowhere. It was the voice of Horsuck...


36/46: Horsuck spoke in class today....
Name: Okonkwo #208
Date: Tue Oct 20 11:27:15 1992

"Attetion people of the earth," the PA system echoed. "This is Horsuck, a
stableboy somewhat related to Oslo Horbenshenkinwenkenibeforlokenstein. I
intend to destroy the planet with goat semen! Ha-Ha!!" A loud, booming click
obviously signified Horsuck's message had come to a close.

Howard knew what he had to do, so he headed to the basement of ASSHOLE
headquarters to speak to Q, that annoying guy from the James Bond movies who
quit Her Majesty's Secret Service to work for ASSHOLE.

"Q, any new devices that could help me blow all the goats in the world?"
"But of course. We have customized a Lamborghini in which the driver's seat is
actually a toilet. The toilet, when flushed, ejects the waste into space.
That way, Horsuck can't get a hold off your waste and extract the semen from
it. We also have this device. You put this end in your mouth, and you can
blow 5 goats at once. Plus, just in case, this special prosthetic penis fires
acid that can eat through anything."
"Thank you, Q. On to my mission."

Meanwhile, Horsuck was in his lair spitting a wad of goat semen into the large,
1,000,000 gallon vat.

"Come here, bitch," Horsuck yelled.

A woman came to him, naked. She knew what to do. She knew exactly why Horsuck
called her. She began too....

the GOD of yams
Hey, Marylinn!

37/46: Story
Name: Sledge Hammer #250 @17320
Date: Fri Jan 29 16:33:08 1993

... show him how to suck like a professional. See Horsuck was a novice and he
was getting these soars on his mouth. He didn't know it but he was using his
TEETH! Oww..... So not to mention the goats were a little bit annoyed and
they tried to kick Horsuck in the head, which cause the soars and an abnoxious
headache... Well she showed him the correct way to suck a dick and Horsuck
instantly knew he was in love.... I mean goats were his passion, but he was
temoparily lost in a world where goat sperm was meaningless... Little did
Horsuck know that it was indeed a secret agent hired by woolpenis to slow down
the eneviable doom of our planet... Just then there was a noise at the door
and being that Horsuck was a little busy he yelled " . . .

38/46: Holy Shit! Someone added to the story!!!!
Name: Okonkwo #208 @17320
Date: Fri Jan 29 20:19:46 1993

"What the fuck?"

Suddenly, Howard broke through the door.

"Your time has come (Get it? Come? Anyway...) to die."

"Not quite, Howard of ASSHOLE, because I have a giant dick of death!"

Horsuck pulled down his pants, and indeed, his penis had an M-16 implanted in
it. So, Howard wipped out his prothetic penis that shot acid, and the two H's
began their brutal cock fight....

the GOD of yams


39/46: it's a cock eat cock world out there...
Name: Fenris Wolf #10 @17320
Date: Sat Jan 30 12:33:08 1993

Horsuck's large M16 blasted holes in the walls around Howard, but somehow,
they wouldn't hit Howard. Especially after howard opened his mouth and let a
little goat semen dribble from the edges..

Horsuck was so amazed that another person would blow goats, that he got even
more aroused... and ran towards howard, who was incredilous himself.. Mouths
open, they passed the sticky goat cum between thier open mouths.

40/46: Oh, that Horsuck.
Name: Okonkwo #208 @17320
Date: Sat Jan 30 21:35:15 1993

Horsuck knew he was in love.

"Oh, Howard, I know I am in love."

"If you love me, will you stop blowing goats to control the universe?"

"Oh, anything for you."

Horsuck went to give Howard a big kiss when Howard whipped out is penis and
disintegrated Horsuck with acid.

With Horsuck out of the way, Howard pulled out the 5-blower and blew 5 goats,
and the whole time he regretted that he didn't get to use that Lamborghini with
the ejection seat.

But, as they said in "Gone With the Wind," "TOMARROW IS ANOTHER DAY!"

And the next post will hopefully begin a completely different story with knew
characters because these are old.

the GOD of yams


41/46: TIme for a new story.
Name: Molested By Crustaceans #208 @17320
Date: Mon Aug 23 15:12:01 1993

Well, last years story of Howard of ASSHOLE was a great story, but let's start
a new one, shall we?


Jill sat in the coffee shop with a tear in her eyes. The coffee she drank
drowned pangs of sorrow, but the constantly falling tears made the coffee salty
and not as potent.

Walter was dead, and their wasn't a damn thing she could do about it. She
would never see him again.

"Another coffee?" Sam, the owner of the coffee shop. Jill's only friend
from childhood. She remembered the times when she would come in, and Sam would
fix her a piece of chocolate cake, or a donut, or just a soda--it depended on
how much change Jill collected that day from scouring the streets. Not that
Jill's parents could help her much. They were dead. She was raised all her
life by her aunt, and poor old woman living in a New York tenement. So Jill
had the ambition of collecting change in the street. That same ambition got
her out of that tenement and into college.

And now Walter was gone.


Sam poured another coffee for Jill as Tim walked in.

Tim sat at Jill's table, across from her.

"Jill? I have something to tell you."


"It's about Walter...."


Well? Who's gonna post next?


42/46: continuation....
Name: Zzyzzx #206 @666
Date: Thu Mar 03 06:18:00 1994

RE: TIme for a new story.
BY: Molested By Crustaceans #208 @17320

» "Jill? I have something to tell you."
» "Yes?"
» "It's about Walter...."

"What? What is it about Walter?"
"Well, Jill, i think you might need a stiffer drink to handle this news."
"No...I want to know! I can handle the news. He may be gone, but no
matter what, I'll always love him."
Sam thought for a moment. "Okay, then. If you're sure you want to hear
"Okay. You aren't going to believe me. No, I probably shouldn't tell
"Sam, we've been friends for years! I know you. And I know that you want
to tell me what you know about Walter. Whatever it is, it won't bother me!"
"True.....well, you've convinced me." Sam stopped wiping the bar, and
looked Jill straight in the eyes. "Jill, Walter led what you might call a,
um, secret life. Noone knew about this but me. Remember last winter, when
I took that trip to the arctic?"
"Yeah...you said that it was the most interesting trip you'd ever taken."
"That's an understatement. You see, Jill, that's when I first met Walter."
"But I thought you never knew him!" she exclaimed.
"I had to keep his secret, Jill. You see, the ship had anchored off of
this large flat iceberg. I wandered off, looking for a good place to take a
dump. And I ran into Walter."
"You mean, Walter was really an explorer?!?! Wow!!"
"No, not quite. He wasn't there exploring. He was dead, frozen in a
block of ice jutting out of the iceberg. We sawed him out, brought him to the
boat, and thawed him out. but the wierdest thing happened. He came to life.
He wasn't dead at all, just temporarily frozen. Paused in life, you might
say. You see, Jill, Walter was actually..."

anyone? anyone?

43/46: walter
Name: Santiago #471 @666
Date: Tue Mar 15 06:35:01 1994

RE: continuation....
BY: Zzyzzx #206 @666

» "No, not quite. He wasn't there exploring. He was dead, frozen
» in a block of ice jutting out of the iceberg. We sawed him out,
» brought him to the
» boat, and thawed him out. but the wierdest thing happened. He came
» to life.
» He wasn't dead at all, just temporarily frozen. Paused in life, you
» might
» say. You see, Jill, Walter was actually..."

"Quite dead really, you see we were mistaken about him having vital signs
after we thawed him out. Well, that was probably due to the fact that the
ship's doctor was a hardcore morphine addict."
Jill stared into Sam's eyes, "Go on"
"And well, I had the crew put the body in my room on the ship," said Sam
"But why on earth would you..." Jill began
"BECAUSE I AM A NECROPHILIAC!" shouted Sam, who then burst into tears.

<keep the story warped, that's what I say>

44/46: hmm
Name: Crow #637 @666
Date: Tue Mar 15 23:41:05 1994

RE: walter
BY: Santiago #471 @666

»» say. You see, Jill, Walter was actually..."
» "Quite dead really, you see we were mistaken about him having
» vital signs after we thawed him out. Well, that was probably due to
» the fact that the ship's doctor was a hardcore morphine addict."
» Jill stared into Sam's eyes, "Go on"
» "And well, I had the crew put the body in my room on the ship,"
» said Sam
» "But why on earth would you..." Jill began
» "BECAUSE I AM A NECROPHILIAC!" shouted Sam, who then burst into
» tears.
» Santiago
» <keep the story warped, that's what I say>

"Really?" Jill inquired.
"Yes... it's true", he sniffed, "I fuck dead corpses up the ass, and
then after i come, i saw off their genitals and eat them raw. It's really
a better fuck because after a person dies, their bowels release, so It's
a really shitty fuck.. if you know what i mean...."
"Fuck me to death Sam... Fuck me to death and the ride me till
I get cold and clammy, Then rip out my clit and eat it...."


Name: Mad Marquis #647 @666
Date: Thu Mar 17 00:13:08 1994

RE: hmm
BY: Crow #637 @666

» "Really?" Jill inquired.
» "Yes... it's true", he sniffed, "I fuck dead corpses up the ass,
» and then after i come, i saw off their genitals and eat them raw.
» It's really a better fuck because after a person dies, their bowels
» release, so It's a really shitty fuck.. if you know what i mean...."
» "Fuck me to death Sam... Fuck me to death and the ride me till
» I get cold and clammy, Then rip out my clit and eat it...."

"No." Sam defiantly replied.
"No? Why not?" she asked, confused.
"I really don't want to kill you Jill."
"What?" Jill was really getting confused by Sam now.
"You see, I think there's more between us than you think. Jill, I
think I'm your...."

46/46: continuing
Name: Vic #134 @666
Date: Thu Mar 17 11:46:29 1994

BY: Mad Marquis #647 @666

» "No." Sam defiantly replied.
» "No? Why not?" she asked, confused.
» "I really don't want to kill you Jill."
» "What?" Jill was really getting confused by Sam now.
» "You see, I think there's more between us than you think.
» Jill, I think I'm your...."

"Yes?" asked Jill, hopefully.
"No, I can't tell you now ... it could ruin everything." replied Sam,
"You see, there are forces acting here that are beyond the scope of
our imagination. We are merely pawns in a bigger game, and its not
for you to know the truth yet. Trust me, its for the best."
"But... but.. I don't understand..... what can't you tell me? Why?"
asked Jill, tears starting to pool in her eyes.
Sam walked turned from her, paced a couple of steps, his shoulders
slumped as if a terrible weight was crushing him towards the ground,
under the ground. Six feet under the ground.
"It not time for you to know yet, but I promise when the time is
right, I will tell you everything... if I'm still alive."

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