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How To Get To 26H

(or How I Got There The First Time--A True Story)

1. Go to 7-11 and find some drunk over 21 years old. Explain that you left your ID back at your apartment (you live in Foxridge), and you don't feel like going back to get it. Give said person several dead presidents and ask him/her to buy you four bottles of Mad Dog. Insist that you really are over 21, and that they wouldn't be able to sell it if no one over 21 really drank Mad Dog.
2. Go to Burger King/McDonalds and buy your favorite beef product. Throw away bun. Eat if not vegetarian. If vegetarian, protest and whine about how McDonalds or Burger King is raping mother earth by not using the latest crop rotation techniques.
3. Pour Mad Dog into BK/McD cup and get on bus (Tom's Creek B).
   Drink fast!
   Ignore comments from front of bus. ("Do you smell kiwi?" "Did someone leave a bag of rotting fruit on the bus?")
4. Try to ignore the back and forth motion of the bus. Back and forth, side to side, like floating on a cloud, gently, gently.
5. Vomit
6. Get off bus when driver asks to avoid confrontation with pigs.
7. Ask dorks in biker shorts riding by on 10 speeds and $600 mountain bikes if they know how to get to Terrace View.
8. If on Tom's Creek Road, walk towards smell of cow shit.
9. If you can't smell cow shit, don't panic. Figure out way to get back to Blacksburg.
10. If anyone you're with becomes unable to continue beause they "just want to sit down for a minute", tell them OK, suggest they lay down, and when they close their eyes, run!
11. If you get to 7-11, go in and steal candy bars.
12. Ask how old the hot dogs are and if you can use the bathroom. If they say they don't have one, point out that the health code requires them to have at least one bathroom. Do not buy anything! When you're trashed, $4.00 sounds reasonable for a can of beefaroni, but resist!
13. Walk out of 7-11 and walk east.
14. Turn around and walk back toward 7-11 when you see Kroger. Or, go in and steal eggs, making sure to take only one from any carton, so some townie can't make enough scrambled eggs to feed their toothless husband and 10 kids.
15. Go west.
16. Follow noise.
17. Look for laundry room.
18. If anyone is doing laundry, be sure to look for anything good, and bring rest to party next door and throw on floor.

--Darren Moore.